down about the moss.....

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 08:40:11 GMT

So, I'm out. Low and behold I need a job lol. I need to pay bills and school and what have you. Life sucks but it's better than the Marines! A thousand times better.

Unfortunately not all feelings are mutually idealistic as that. I still hold bad habits.

I just spent an hour trying to figure out what to write next. This is all I could come up with.

I still... well actually more now than ever use alcohol as an escape. I drink to forget. I'm drunk right now. It took me all but 5 minutes of effort to drink 8 shots of tequila and 8 beers. All because I wanted to forget something I was reminded of 30 minutes prior.

I guess this is what my life has become.

The sad part is... I know where it all went wrong and I know where it all went down hill. I can't put the blame on that person but since then I think I lost all direction...

...Where everything was so clear, it's now washed with a mist-like facade that I pretend is my everyday. Where all that's bad and lingering is the reality of how I actually live...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:25:05 GMT

I still think about you.
I don't even know why. It's been so long since we talked. But for some reason...
I still think about you.
I don't even really feel anything. I just...
I still think about you.
I remember I saw you that one day. I ran off because I was scared you'd see me. I realized then...
I still think about you.
I don't even love you anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. I was too young. But...
I still think about you.
For some reason I get the unusual feeling that now, and always...
I will still think about you.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:49:17 GMT

I really, really, REALLY, REEEEAAAAALLLY, REALLYREALLYREALLYREALLY, REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOEOOOOOOOO, really need to get laid...

Like seriously... the sexual frustration is acctually taking a serious toll on me.

I'm not a happy person right. In fact I'm extremely irate and indignant to everything right now. Like I'm about to lose my fucking mind. I want to kill someone.

I need to fuck.

now.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:29:23 GMT

Sometimes, life throws entirely too much at us at once. Sometimes, even when we try our hardeset we weren't meant to succeed. Right now I feel like everything is out of my control and there's nothing I can do. I haven't done anything wrong but unexpected situations have been arising that are putting me in a bad situation. I'm currenlty in a bad situation and trying to get out but so far not good.

I really need to get out of the military. To be honest that's one of the reason things are getting bad for me. Soon enough.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 06:08:20 GMT

Goddamnit. I think I might be settling. I've gotten myself deep in something that I'm not entirely sure if I want or not. I think I'm settling. Unfortunately what I actually want I already fucked up so now I feel like this is the next best thing. Bad part is I don't really think this is the next best thing. What the hell is wrong with me lately? The worst part is I can't just back out of what I've pretty much dedicated myself to. Well I could but I'd be hurting some people and probably losing a few good friends.

Fuck... I don't know what to do. I guess I gotta be really careful about this situation.

...Fuck...

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 07:24:48 GMT

What? Banana phone?

O.o...

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 07:55:17 GMT

I try not to live my life with regrets. But, sometimes we look back on the things we know we messed up and we end up seeing what could have been. Seeing Caitlyn in Arizona the other weekend made me feel all sorts of things I haven't thought about much less felt for years. I started analyzing all sorts of things. I saw Jenn and what could have been if it weren't for my insecurities. I saw Natalie and what she did. I saw how I reacted. I saw the kind of person she really is and what could have been if I had actually forgave her. I saw Roxi and realized there wasn't anything I could have done differently. It was what it was and it just wasn't. That's all, it just wasn't.

I look at these scenarios and realize there was a mistake made on both sides, but, which side is to blame more? I really don't know. It's always been hard for me to forgive people for some things because I've always felt what good is forgiveness? Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean they'll change. But what if I'm wrong? What if I could have already had what I've wanted all along if I just forgiven someone? What if I was the one looking for forgiveness? I don't know anymore.

Everything is in theory going great. My service is almost over which means I can finally leave purgatory but, for some reason I don't feel right. Even though I'll be home in a handfull of days I feel more empty than ever. Anyone else would be nothing but excited but I just keep feeling worse and worse.

Everything is great. Except the emptiness. I won't even say I'm lonely. I feel completely empty. Everyone I know is getting married, buying houses, having children or at the very least they have someone who loves them. I'm still alone. Still empty.

The biggest problem is I don't know whether to blame it on fate... or myself.

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone."

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:08:20 GMT

well i'm glad the female species sees fit to walk all over me all the time.

so happy i'm able to be tossed aside so easily...

you know what?

i give up.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:20:44 GMT

okay... no more suicide jokes it's not going over well with normal people who don't have a sick sense of humor like me.

haha i'm so terrible. but seriously...

no more... giggle... =)

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 10:28:27 GMT

fuck...
the world has no idea how badly i want to kill myself right now. fuck all this crap i want to fall in to a coma.

bleh i dunno what to do...

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 07:39:04 GMT

i'm so alone.
and drunk as hell haha!!!

but seriously. i'm a lonely person. significant other-wise. very lonely. but very drunk haha.

this is honestly the easiest time i've had typing whilst this intoxicated. i'm getting better at this. BADASS!!
things? other stuff?

honestly i have no idea why i'm writing on my LJ. for some reason i wanted to post an entry but i have nothing to say haha. but hey! whatever yah!? everyone have a happy labor day weekend!

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:25:13 GMT

hehe...

i win!

today was a good day...

bitch!

=D

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 07:27:45 GMT

welp... back to california tomorrow. kinda sad about that since i've been having such a great time this weekend. honestly one of the best weekends i've had in a while.

to say the least today (especially tonight) was a great end to an awesome weekend. didn't do anything crazy really. i woke up and went and got some starbucks for the family then tried to go buy a new hat. didn't work out since everything at the mall was closed. it was like 10am but i guess it was a sunday? oh well whatever. anyway, stopped by dave and laurie's and caught up with them which was really cool and found out how matt was doing; everything is good there. afterwards i got a call from mike and i drove out to buckeye to help him move into his house. that was pretty cool too cause i got to see the house and holy shit is it a nice house. jealouuuuuuuus. anyway came back home and got a call from matt which was kind of unexpected but cool at the same time. we talked about our lives and what we have planned. oh by the way my phone is broke and none of the buttons work but i can still answer calls! so anyway, jenn calls in the middle of the conversation but it wouldn't let me answer the call so i was like "shit!" it was kinda funny cause i went on facebook and told her to call again haha.

now as for that... she left work early so she could see me tonight (such a sweet girl!) which was her last chance before i leave tomorrow. we made some plans and i went and picked her up and we went to go see 500 days of summer (really good movie by the way. we got there like an hour early and ended up making out until the movie started haha. so the movie finished and we went back to her apartment only to find that her roommate was present with her boyfriend (bummer...) which sucked cause we kind of wanted some alone time. so we just said our goodbyes and i got my goodnight kiss which ended with a "find your other phone and call me before you leave tomorrow dick!" haha well to say the least my dad found my good phone and i do indeed plan on calling her tomorrow.

jenn is cool. she is cool as hell and really easy to be around and talk to. i like her a lot and im glad we're finally getting together. for some reason it feels natural to be around her and at the same time i don't feel at all like i'm gonna rush this or that she will. so far it's turning out to be a very relaxed and good paced relationship and i think it'll be good for me. i think this will help me learn to take life and all it has to offer with ease and at a steady pace. pretty excited to see where this goes.

well in short i had a great time this weekend and next weekend should be just as good if not better. next weekend i think shawn might come out with me which should be cool. might not get to spend as much time with jenn because of it but i'm definately not gonna go the whole weekend without seeing her so i'm not too worried about it. overexposure is bad, just like the sun haha.

p.s. fuck california haha. eh cali isn't all that bad but arizona has definately welcomed me home with open arms. i'm more excited than ever to get the fuck out of the uniform and back into normal clothes PERMANENTLY! =)

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 07:29:08 GMT

today, was a really good day. woke up early and pretty tired because i was out drinking last night and didnt go to sleep till 2am but i had to get up at 6am to go to the river with Jenn and some of her friends. that ended up being really fun. her friends Ginny and Eric are cool as fuck. even though Ginny kept flirting with me (Ginny is really hot by the way) even though she has a boyfriend and it was pretty clear who i was there with haha. whatever it was more playfull that anything. i felt like a bronze god because random chicks on the river kept telling me im really hot haha. it seems losing all that weight and bulking up really paid of yah?

anywhoo... left the river and dropped everyone off back at Jenn's apartment. after everyone left me and Jenn got a little tongue action in which was pretty nice =) I like that girl a lot. she's cool as fuck to hang out with and she is one hot girl. 5'2" 100lbs? uhhh hai small girl I could easily manhandle like a stuffed bear... haha anyways. it's nice spending time with her since i've liked her for a while and when i first met her and went out with her a couple times she ended up with her now ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend. his loss my gain but i'm looking forward to where this could go.

so besides that I went home, showered, got some food then called my cousin Mike. So Mike comes over and me and him go out to dave and busters and got some food and had a couple beers whilst talking about our lives. he's doing really good and just bought a house so i'm really happy for him. came back and ended up playing wii sports resort with my dad who was quite intoxicated haha.

well thats the end of my day. tomorrow should be good too, i think me and Jenn are supposed to go out before she goes to work at 2pm? i just told her whatever is most convenient for her and she said she'll call me and to call her if she doesnt call by 11. meh it's all good. so far i've been reminded of why i love arizona. <3

i just realized i've botched this entry terribly gramatically and punctually haha. its 12:30 in the morning and im kinda drunk so i dont care haha

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 22:24:34 GMT

So I somehow got in contact with a girl named Kayla. Now, I know Kayla. She is the daughter of my mother's former best friend. I haven't seen and/or talked to Kayla since we we're small children and we now are facebook friends. I used to have a crush on her when we were kids and now I'm 22 and she is 23 and let me tell you what... WOW!

Someone grew up to be angelicaly beautiful... <3

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:57:45 GMT

I need to purchase subs and an amp for my truck. Not too big though. My skin isn't THAT dark... >=)

Note: Supernovae occur as often as once every 50 years in a galaxy the size of the Milky Way or the Andromeda galaxy.

I just spent 5 hours reading about Astronomy, Quadratic formulas, Differential Geometry and Trigonometry. I havent looked at any of those subjects in a long time and 5 hours of exposure felt like years of knowledge was crammed into my brain. My head hurts...

It reminded me why being a mathmetician was out of the question for me...

...I need some tylenol...

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 12:35:44 GMT

Acceptance can be very difficult and in some cases, the most difficult thing we may ever have to do in our lives. I believe this is due to the fact the when we have to accept something this ultimately means that we're accepting something the way it is and not the way we want it to be. But, that is just how life goes and that's why we have to accept things as the way they are. Keep in mind though this isn't neccessarily a bad thing in all cases. Sometimes it helps us better understand who we are and not who we want to be which, can be difficult sometimes but whatever you get the point... Anyway back to my point... Life is only as dissapointing as you let it be and, well, I've let my life be too dissapointing; much more dissapointing than it should be.

I'm getting ready to start anew. I have all this potential for a wonderful life ahead of me, a fresh start. I'm excited to say the least. Excited and nervous but excited none the less. I'm also sad in a way. Why? Well I guess maybe the easiest way to answer that is because even though my life thus far hasn't been the greatest and I haven't exactly been a wonderful person there is still aspects of it and people who were apart of it I will indeed miss. Not neccessarily because I'm forgetting about them or abandoning them but because sometimes people grow apart. I wish it weren't always like that but I know it's not always their fault. People have grown away from me or just forgot about me because of my actions just as much as anything else. I had a life changing talk with someone who I never thought I'd care to hear what they had to say much a heart to heart. Oddly enough he gave me more advice and insight then I ever thought possible and to say the least, it worked...

I feel... different. Rejuvinated somehow. After the conversation I re-evaluated many aspects of my life. My actions in the past, my decisions and all sorts of other stuff. I realized that I haven't been the best student, the best son, the best brother, the best friend, the best general relative, the best musician, the best marine, the best citizen, the best lover, the best boyfriend or the best at anything else for that matter. I'm not neccessarily the worst at any of those but I most definately am not the best. I realize these things and know that it's impossible for me to be the best at any of those. I will however try to improve on my faults as much as possible and learn to relax a little more (which shouldn't be a problem soon as i get out of the marines...*cough*marijuana*cough*=D). Anyway... it's nothing special I just realized I need to look deeper into my actions and thoughts and that alone should help me improve as a person in general.

Continuing on... Right now I'd basically like to take this opportunity to appolagize to all the people ever involved in my life. I'd like to appolagize to my mother, my father, my brother, all my relatives, my best friend Matt, my other best friend Jon, every other friend I've ever had, every girlfriend I've ever had who broke up with me for whatever reason, every girl who grit their teeth at my fat, hairy body long enough to allow me to sleep with them (I know, I know it was hard haha), every guy who's ass I've kicked, every guy who's kicked MY ass, every senior enlisted marine I've worked with who's had to deal with my lack of respect and beligerance, every teacher I've ever had who had to deal with the student who won the award for "most likely to fall asleep in class" (your's truly), every sports coach I've ever had and anyone else I might have forgotten. I appolagize for not living up to expectations or falling short of what all YOU deserved out of me. Nothing I can say or do can fix whatever I've done to half-ass your encouter with me at some point in time in our lives. The only thing I can do is promise myself everyone else who crosses paths with me from now will get the best of me. The best I can possibly be because I just want to be the best ME.

I'm going to work hard to improve on who I am because I know I'm better than what I've been doing right now. I've always limited myself because of my fears which is why I've screwed up so many times but not anymore. Because as my favorite quote goes...

"They say people shrivel up because of their imaginations, so don't imagine anything. You'll become brave as hell..."

...so shall I adhere to it like I should have in the beggining... =)

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 07:55:37 GMT

Life... is a dissapointment.

What cannot be shunned must be embraced. So it goes...

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 12:51:35 GMT

...but in reality i'm happy =)

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 12:36:32 GMT

clueless... absolutely... clueless...

i could squash you like a bug in the palm of my hand but you don't know that. i only pray you lose what you have just like i did once. i pray you lose it because guess what? you don't deserve it and neither did i. the only difference between you and i is you're weak and i'm not. you'll pay and i don't feel bad about that.

besides... i have a fresh start... you don't =)

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 03:15:59 GMT

fuck it. it was never worth it anyway.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 08:42:10 GMT

i guess... i just have to learn to accept some things. i keep creating a facade of possibility even though i know deep in the back of my mind these possibilities are i actuality impossibilities. i guess it's just difficult to let some things in your life go. no matter how bad or good they may have been. holding on to the past can be bad and can damage the future. even if you let it go lessons are still learned and attitudes can change. i know mine has. theres a lot of things different about me now and they may or may not change eventually. all i know is that soon enough i'll be starting my life over again. which is a good thing. i KNOW i've come to the point of knowing EXACTLY who i am. i know exactly where i want to go and exactly what i want out of life. i'm ready for it too.

even though some things might difficult to let go they have to be. as promising as they could have potentionaly been something better could come of it.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 11:15:33 GMT

September sun blowing golden hair
Now keep in mind son she was never there
October's rust
Bisecting black storm clouds
Only the deaf hear my silent shouts

Yet in the dark still he screams your name
Nights living death with witch rhymes insane
Ten years amassed para toda mi vida?
Lost man in time was his name Peter?

September sun rotted flatbush porch
I would have run then had I known the cost
Autumnal rays turned your eyes to stone
Did it give you pleasure to steal my soul

Yet in the dark still he screams your name
Nights living death with witch rhymes insane
Ten years amassed para toda mi vida?
Lost man in time was his name Peter?

Leave her alone. Me? - I know why

I fucking love this song. Type O Negative is the shit. This is in my opinion their best song.... i dunno.
I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. Not even really quite sure what to think. Some good, some bad, some I thought I wasn't going to be thinking about anymore.
Whatever. That's life i guess...

Sat, 30 May 2009 15:11:34 GMT

you know what? i'm drunk as fuck right now.

alcohol is wonderfull for forgeting things you don't want to remember. i feel pretty good right now and i'm not gonna lie. whatever though. i don't know. something or other. now i'm just kinda typing random shit. i think. i dunno. yeah definately random shit. honestly i meant to come on here and type something i had on my mind but i forgot what it was. whatever. i'm sure it'll come to me eventually. it was like kinda important but not really all that important. or something like that. whatever. fuck my life.

Tue, 26 May 2009 12:35:55 GMT

I am not good enough...

I am not good enough...

I am not good enough...

for anyone or at anything...